SO.
I'm convinced my mom wanted a gay son.. There are three of us.. and I'm the youngest (slash best looking.. HOLA).. So.. she pops out three boys... OF COURSE she wants the last one to be gay.. who else is she going to shop with, cook with and talk about The View with.? While all my buddies played hockey, mom dropped me into dance classes.. unbeknownst to her I was more interested in the fact that I was surrounded by girls in tights then freezing my ass of with my buddies on the hockey field.. (they play it on a field, right?) Anyway... Being gay as a male dancer seems like it would have just been the easier route... All the teasing and taunting would have made sense if I actually was gay.. but unfortunately for my mom, it didn't take.
Gays 1 - Vaginas 0
Relationships... I'm pretty well versed in the world of gay monogamy.. A lot of my closest friend's love the cock.. I would never negate the fact that romantic relationships; gay, straight or other wise are difficult... But.. for me.. (just me) having to deal with the oposite sex seems to be a little more confusing... I think the gays have it a little easier in this case... Granted they get the short stick on plenty of other things.. but that's not what we're talking about here.. so fuck off..
Things they have going for them in a relationship: They double the wardrobe, they're very familiar with the "equipment" down below (you're never going to get a bad blowjob) and most importantly they don't have to deal with WOMEN! the crazy shit when it's comes to women.. the pasive-aggresive-fuck-with-you-even-though-we're-broken-up-shit.. that drives every straight man crazy at some point in their life. The only women the gays have to deal with are their fat fag hags that don't shut up about why they "can't find a man".. but then spend all their time fawning over their gay counterparts rather then hitting the gym and putting down the cookie dough. The gays can just ignore or ditch these women cause they aren't trying to sleep with them...
Gays 2 - Vaginas 0
I've witnessed first hand the "hook up"... A gay guy can literally smile at another guy.. This guy will cross a crowded bar to see "what's up?".. One guy will go.. "Hey.. you wanna go do it?" The other guy will say "yeah"... and then they go and DO IT.. this does NOT happen in the straight world... it takes FAR more work.. and usually it's not worth the money, time, and effort you put into it. Lucky gays...
Gays 3 - Vaginas 0
Now I know a lot of you are thinking.. wow. .this guy is a closet case and should just get out there and start chuggin' ween.. but it's not something I'm interested in.. I've been given every opportunity in my life to switch teams but like it says at the beggining of this blog. I like vaginas.. I suppose liking vaginas is the cross I'll have to bear.. (too religious? ) So.. even though the Gays have it 3 to 0 over vaginas.. Vaginas still win.. you know why? cause they're wonderful...
It's just too bad they're somtimes wrapped in boring and sprinkled with crazy...
ugh,
G.Y.M.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Sex-Ed from a Douche
Is it just me? When did guys figure out how to talk to women? Girls? Broads? Sluts? ... ladies?
Did I miss that day in junior high? The day the Sex Ed teacher takes the girls into the other room and some douche bag comes in from off the street. He smells of Drakkar Noir and Jager bombs. Struts in with his tight fitted dress shirt and over priced jeans, ready to tell us what's what.
I assume this Douche proceeded to teach the class room how to "pick women up". Teaching them how to say the most ridiculous things to get the attention from a pretty girl. He instilled the retarded-confidence that allowed these young men to NEVER feel uncomfortable, anxious, or awkward when asking women if they're into "working out" or "good music".
For me it seems like every other idiot in the world was there for that class. I go through life with an overwhelming social anxiety that can only be cured with substance abuse. I know I should try yoga, or pilates but... fuck you. I don't want to. I'd rather continue to make sarcastic remarks, or inapropriate jokes and drink. That being said.. I don't know how these other dudes do it.
All I ever hear from girls is how they get hit on constantly. Out on the street, on the subway, at the grocery store. Who are these guys and how are they doing this? I'm not saying I want to be like them.. or want to "do what the do".. but I'd just like to know how they learnt this skill. How they figured out that whistling or sucking air through their teeth could get the attention of a pretty young thing. I'm assuming from that point they strike up a conversation, head out for an afternoon coffee and make plans for the up coming weekend. I don't really know.
This time honored tradition of douche-baggery will never end.. and I'm fine with that. It's just something I'd like to understand a little better. Why didn't I learn this skill? Where was I that day in Junior high? Do I have the ability but just don't know access it? Could I strike up a conversation with some moronic girl at the bar? Pretend to care about ANYTHING they have to say... Actually keep this terrible conversation going long enough without wanting to kill myself from boredom in the hopes of "gettin' some"? Or will I never learn?
I am a slow learner.
UGH,
G.Y.M.
Did I miss that day in junior high? The day the Sex Ed teacher takes the girls into the other room and some douche bag comes in from off the street. He smells of Drakkar Noir and Jager bombs. Struts in with his tight fitted dress shirt and over priced jeans, ready to tell us what's what.
I assume this Douche proceeded to teach the class room how to "pick women up". Teaching them how to say the most ridiculous things to get the attention from a pretty girl. He instilled the retarded-confidence that allowed these young men to NEVER feel uncomfortable, anxious, or awkward when asking women if they're into "working out" or "good music".
For me it seems like every other idiot in the world was there for that class. I go through life with an overwhelming social anxiety that can only be cured with substance abuse. I know I should try yoga, or pilates but... fuck you. I don't want to. I'd rather continue to make sarcastic remarks, or inapropriate jokes and drink. That being said.. I don't know how these other dudes do it.
All I ever hear from girls is how they get hit on constantly. Out on the street, on the subway, at the grocery store. Who are these guys and how are they doing this? I'm not saying I want to be like them.. or want to "do what the do".. but I'd just like to know how they learnt this skill. How they figured out that whistling or sucking air through their teeth could get the attention of a pretty young thing. I'm assuming from that point they strike up a conversation, head out for an afternoon coffee and make plans for the up coming weekend. I don't really know.
This time honored tradition of douche-baggery will never end.. and I'm fine with that. It's just something I'd like to understand a little better. Why didn't I learn this skill? Where was I that day in Junior high? Do I have the ability but just don't know access it? Could I strike up a conversation with some moronic girl at the bar? Pretend to care about ANYTHING they have to say... Actually keep this terrible conversation going long enough without wanting to kill myself from boredom in the hopes of "gettin' some"? Or will I never learn?
I am a slow learner.
UGH,
G.Y.M.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Hate Love Hate - relationship
I have some issues with my neighborhood.. There's plenty of crap I love about it.. TONS I HATE.. but why not spread some love today for a change?
I love that while walking to grab my morning coffee.. I'll most likely run into a crazy person from the local metal health rehab center around the corner... I'm thankful that there are places like this that can care for people with mental health problems... I'm thankful that the stigma surrounding mental health issues has substantially been reduced in our society.. BUT I'm even more thankful that every once and a while I'll see a man wearing a tankini, moon boots, and false eyelashes singing Owner of a Lonely Heart to a brick wall... It always makes for an interesting morning.
I love that the playground directly across the street from my house is constantly full of the most annoying Portuguese kids on the face of this planet.. I love that I get to hear "Fuck you, Guy" "kiss my ass, Chief" and "What are you, some kind of Fagot?" from nine year old's all day long.. It's never a dull moment on my deck.
and finally.. i love that every weekend I get to watch the annoying 905ers (that's suberb bitches for those of you who don't know) pile into the over-priced-douche-bag-bars that surround my house. Scream at each other in their weird guido-esk accents and pile right back into their cars for a "safe" drive home.. I enjoy fucking with drunk people and I always have the pick of the litter just steps from my front door.
I love this place.. kinda
ugh,
G.Y.M.
I love that while walking to grab my morning coffee.. I'll most likely run into a crazy person from the local metal health rehab center around the corner... I'm thankful that there are places like this that can care for people with mental health problems... I'm thankful that the stigma surrounding mental health issues has substantially been reduced in our society.. BUT I'm even more thankful that every once and a while I'll see a man wearing a tankini, moon boots, and false eyelashes singing Owner of a Lonely Heart to a brick wall... It always makes for an interesting morning.
I love that the playground directly across the street from my house is constantly full of the most annoying Portuguese kids on the face of this planet.. I love that I get to hear "Fuck you, Guy" "kiss my ass, Chief" and "What are you, some kind of Fagot?" from nine year old's all day long.. It's never a dull moment on my deck.
and finally.. i love that every weekend I get to watch the annoying 905ers (that's suberb bitches for those of you who don't know) pile into the over-priced-douche-bag-bars that surround my house. Scream at each other in their weird guido-esk accents and pile right back into their cars for a "safe" drive home.. I enjoy fucking with drunk people and I always have the pick of the litter just steps from my front door.
I love this place.. kinda
ugh,
G.Y.M.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Just Say THANK YOU.. FUCK
I've admitted that I'm an asshole. It's true. I'm a jackass that enjoys a good laugh... A lot of the time at expense of someone else... but this doesn't mean I'm not a nice guy.
I think it's important for people to laugh at others and roll with it when people laugh at them. It's a good way to go through life. Everything becomes a joke and people take the piss out of each other.. This is the world I want to live in at least. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If people were more like Larry David this place would be a lot more fun.
BUT here's the thing.
As much as I'm an asshole, I enjoy common courtesies. I like being polite when people are serving me my food or I like allowing a woman to go a head of me in line... Helping with a stroller down a flight of stairs.. these are things I like to do.. not patting myself on the back here.. it's just how I was raised... It makes me feel like a human being.
SO.. When someone opens a door for you, you say "Thank you" or "Thanks".. you don't do what so many old bitchy Portuguese women do in my area... which is grunt and waddle past you... making sure not to look you in the eye. What the fuck is that? How hard is it to say "Thank you, young man." ? Stupid cunts... I mean I've lived in some big cities and I know people can get in their own worlds.. but come on.. fuck
It's like people are scared to interact with each other. They don't strike up conversations with their grocery store check out lady anymore.. I have a GREAT one.. I talk with her every time I hit the Dominion on College street. Her name's Sharon and she's a GEM!.. She always has something funny to say and I like to throw it right back... She'll tell me about her recent trip to Mexico and I'll ask her how many tequila shots it took her to get topless and dance on a bar. She LOVES it and laughs her ass off. She's always telling me about her kids... asking what's new in my world.. We have 53 seconds together.. enjoy each others company and we move on.. I LOVE IT.. but.. Sharon is a rare being.. usually when you try and strike up a conversation with a teller or the guy at the gas station they look at you like you farted in their mouth...
listen. I get working a bullshit job is a pain in the ass.. You don't want some punk giving you a hard time.. but fucking lighten up people.. Say thank you next time someone holds the door. Ask your coffee barista how their weekend was.. fucking talk to people and make some jokes..
And the next time some old Japanese lady pushes her way on the subway and nails you with her plastic bags without saying "excuse me" or "sorry". I give you full permission to punch that bitch in the face.
UGH
G.Y.M.
I think it's important for people to laugh at others and roll with it when people laugh at them. It's a good way to go through life. Everything becomes a joke and people take the piss out of each other.. This is the world I want to live in at least. I've said it before and I'll say it again. If people were more like Larry David this place would be a lot more fun.
BUT here's the thing.
As much as I'm an asshole, I enjoy common courtesies. I like being polite when people are serving me my food or I like allowing a woman to go a head of me in line... Helping with a stroller down a flight of stairs.. these are things I like to do.. not patting myself on the back here.. it's just how I was raised... It makes me feel like a human being.
SO.. When someone opens a door for you, you say "Thank you" or "Thanks".. you don't do what so many old bitchy Portuguese women do in my area... which is grunt and waddle past you... making sure not to look you in the eye. What the fuck is that? How hard is it to say "Thank you, young man." ? Stupid cunts... I mean I've lived in some big cities and I know people can get in their own worlds.. but come on.. fuck
It's like people are scared to interact with each other. They don't strike up conversations with their grocery store check out lady anymore.. I have a GREAT one.. I talk with her every time I hit the Dominion on College street. Her name's Sharon and she's a GEM!.. She always has something funny to say and I like to throw it right back... She'll tell me about her recent trip to Mexico and I'll ask her how many tequila shots it took her to get topless and dance on a bar. She LOVES it and laughs her ass off. She's always telling me about her kids... asking what's new in my world.. We have 53 seconds together.. enjoy each others company and we move on.. I LOVE IT.. but.. Sharon is a rare being.. usually when you try and strike up a conversation with a teller or the guy at the gas station they look at you like you farted in their mouth...
listen. I get working a bullshit job is a pain in the ass.. You don't want some punk giving you a hard time.. but fucking lighten up people.. Say thank you next time someone holds the door. Ask your coffee barista how their weekend was.. fucking talk to people and make some jokes..
And the next time some old Japanese lady pushes her way on the subway and nails you with her plastic bags without saying "excuse me" or "sorry". I give you full permission to punch that bitch in the face.
UGH
G.Y.M.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Talking at a party...
"Do you prefer the over or under when it comes to your toilet paper roll hanging method?" "What's you're favorite type of chip... brand and flavor?" "Can you poop in a public bathroom?"...
You see.. to me these are completely appropriate conversation starters at a party or bar or whatever... I'd much rather hear your reasoning to why you think the "over the top" toilet paper hang is preferable to the underneath method... But when I try and start these conversations while I'm "out" it's usually returned with a lack luster response...
Either people give the one word answer, or just ignore the question all together... Desperately looking for someone more "interesting" to talk to than me... What is that? These are the things I wanna talk about... If you can find the 2% of people that will respond to one of these questions enthusiastically or even throw back with an even more retarded topic of conversation.. then in my opinion you've found someone you wanna talk to at a party...
Now granted I admittedly do not like most people... maybe it's because I have severe social anxiety or maybe it's because people are just fucking boring... I'm sure it's my own fault.. this is why I self medicate with brown liquids... but maybe it's not my fault.
Maybe I'm just an asshole (well I am an asshole) but at least I know I'm an asshole... but fuck! why are people so stuck up.. why can't people roll with it? Just take the piss out of each other and laugh about it? I'll mock people to their face in the hopes that they'll throw it right back at me.. Why is that wrong?
I dunno.. I suppose I have a problem with insecurity and this is the reason I choose to make fun of others... I sincerely don't wanna make someone feel bad... but I do wanna make myself laugh (Oh the dichotomy) ... I guess I do it 'cause it helps keep me sane.. (or whatever)
PLEASE! If someone comes up to you at a party and asks "If you could punch one person in the face right now and get away with it... who would it be?".. JUST ENTERTAIN THE FUCKING QUESTION... because whoever asked you... is really fun and you're going to wanna continue talking to them at this party.. and if you don't.. then you're the rest of 98% of douche bags out there and you should just give up... so.. don't be a douche.. be an ass!
ugh
G.Y.M.
You see.. to me these are completely appropriate conversation starters at a party or bar or whatever... I'd much rather hear your reasoning to why you think the "over the top" toilet paper hang is preferable to the underneath method... But when I try and start these conversations while I'm "out" it's usually returned with a lack luster response...
Either people give the one word answer, or just ignore the question all together... Desperately looking for someone more "interesting" to talk to than me... What is that? These are the things I wanna talk about... If you can find the 2% of people that will respond to one of these questions enthusiastically or even throw back with an even more retarded topic of conversation.. then in my opinion you've found someone you wanna talk to at a party...
Now granted I admittedly do not like most people... maybe it's because I have severe social anxiety or maybe it's because people are just fucking boring... I'm sure it's my own fault.. this is why I self medicate with brown liquids... but maybe it's not my fault.
Maybe I'm just an asshole (well I am an asshole) but at least I know I'm an asshole... but fuck! why are people so stuck up.. why can't people roll with it? Just take the piss out of each other and laugh about it? I'll mock people to their face in the hopes that they'll throw it right back at me.. Why is that wrong?
I dunno.. I suppose I have a problem with insecurity and this is the reason I choose to make fun of others... I sincerely don't wanna make someone feel bad... but I do wanna make myself laugh (Oh the dichotomy) ... I guess I do it 'cause it helps keep me sane.. (or whatever)
PLEASE! If someone comes up to you at a party and asks "If you could punch one person in the face right now and get away with it... who would it be?".. JUST ENTERTAIN THE FUCKING QUESTION... because whoever asked you... is really fun and you're going to wanna continue talking to them at this party.. and if you don't.. then you're the rest of 98% of douche bags out there and you should just give up... so.. don't be a douche.. be an ass!
ugh
G.Y.M.
Self-FUCKING-checkout
SO. These god damn “self check out” machines are REALLY starting to piss me off. It’s fucking retarded. Why do I need to do this myself? Why do I have to listen to the fucking computer telling me what to do next. I’m not only paying for the product I’m purchasing from your store, I’m also paying for the experience.
The experience of you fucking scanning my item, asking for money, and placing the item either in a bag along with my receipt or simply handing it back to me. I FUCKING HATE doing any of those things my self.
That’s complaint number ONE with these fucking machines.. Now for numero dose!
They never fucking work. You scan your item and then you’re suppose to place the item on a scale so the computer knows you’re finished scanning? This doesn’t work.
You scan it and then this cock-sucking machine says “Please wait for assistance”. Now these dumbass employees (who NEVER know how to work the machines them selves) have to come over and see “what’s-da-matter”. They scan their little key chain things over the screen and reset it. They then take the thing you wanna buy, scan it themselves, run back over to their little “pedestal-look-out-computer” areas punch some numbers and then finally you're allowed to pay. Instead of a fucking cashier just scanning it (and the rest of it) I have to go through this whole retarded "song and dance" that takes 3 times as long because this 1 cashier is looking over 4 “self check out” stalls. She’s running around helping out every other douche bag (like me) because these fucking things DO NOT WORK!!!!!
These companies think they’re saving money by using computers in the place of people and I’m sure people are losing their jobs because of it... During a depression this also sucks my left nut... People need jobs...
So do us all a favor.. Throw these fucking self check out machines out the window, hire a couple pimple faced, braces wearing, bigboobed, teenagers (I threw in bigboobed for my own mental picture.. deal with it) and lets fucking end this annoying faze of the “self check out”.. PLEASE.. ugh
G.Y.M.
The experience of you fucking scanning my item, asking for money, and placing the item either in a bag along with my receipt or simply handing it back to me. I FUCKING HATE doing any of those things my self.
That’s complaint number ONE with these fucking machines.. Now for numero dose!
They never fucking work. You scan your item and then you’re suppose to place the item on a scale so the computer knows you’re finished scanning? This doesn’t work.
You scan it and then this cock-sucking machine says “Please wait for assistance”. Now these dumbass employees (who NEVER know how to work the machines them selves) have to come over and see “what’s-da-matter”. They scan their little key chain things over the screen and reset it. They then take the thing you wanna buy, scan it themselves, run back over to their little “pedestal-look-out-compute
These companies think they’re saving money by using computers in the place of people and I’m sure people are losing their jobs because of it... During a depression this also sucks my left nut... People need jobs...
So do us all a favor.. Throw these fucking self check out machines out the window, hire a couple pimple faced, braces wearing, bigboobed, teenagers (I threw in bigboobed for my own mental picture.. deal with it) and lets fucking end this annoying faze of the “self check out”.. PLEASE.. ugh
G.Y.M.
When did I turn 80?
I've been dealing with the fact that I'm a bitter bastard for years. There's really no need for me to have such hatred for so many people.. but I can't help it... I know what you're thinking but this isn't another note about "why something sucks".. or "why people are fucking retarded".. It's more of a self deprecation kind of thing.
It's not that I think i'm old.. I'm not I get it.. haven't been around that long.. but why do I have so many old man tendencies.. and why do they keep getting worse.
It started out with the simple.. enjoying soup.. and an afternoon nap.. Not just saying that.. Many of my close friends would be able to confirm this statement as FACT.. I guess that's not enough to say i'm eighty.. but the hits just keep coming.
This past year I not only developed a really bad hip problem.. like can't get out of bed bad.. but was diagnosed with fucking ARTHRITIS!! I have arthritis and I'm 27 years old.. now ladies if this shit doesn't turn you on.. NOTHING WILL!!! ugh.. suppose it's from the years of being a gay dancer..(thanks mom) but bad hips and arthritis.. COME ON!!!
It doesn't end there folks... I find myself admiring old man things. tonight I had a couple drinks.. ALONE.. and decided to go for a night time stroll... ALONE.. (i'm not only eighty.. supposedly I'm a widower.. fuck you) anyway.. as I strolled the neighborhood I would stop and admire all the other old peoples yards.. "oo, what a lovely tree".. "that gives me an idea for my front yard".. "don't those azaleas smell lovely"... UGH.. wish I was kidding
so I to wrap up.. I love soup, napping, home gardening, and have arthritis.. I'm pretty sure I'll be sleeping alone tonight.. and potentially for the rest of my life. thank you ... goodnight.
ugh
G.Y.M
It's not that I think i'm old.. I'm not I get it.. haven't been around that long.. but why do I have so many old man tendencies.. and why do they keep getting worse.
It started out with the simple.. enjoying soup.. and an afternoon nap.. Not just saying that.. Many of my close friends would be able to confirm this statement as FACT.. I guess that's not enough to say i'm eighty.. but the hits just keep coming.
This past year I not only developed a really bad hip problem.. like can't get out of bed bad.. but was diagnosed with fucking ARTHRITIS!! I have arthritis and I'm 27 years old.. now ladies if this shit doesn't turn you on.. NOTHING WILL!!! ugh.. suppose it's from the years of being a gay dancer..(thanks mom) but bad hips and arthritis.. COME ON!!!
It doesn't end there folks... I find myself admiring old man things. tonight I had a couple drinks.. ALONE.. and decided to go for a night time stroll... ALONE.. (i'm not only eighty.. supposedly I'm a widower.. fuck you) anyway.. as I strolled the neighborhood I would stop and admire all the other old peoples yards.. "oo, what a lovely tree".. "that gives me an idea for my front yard".. "don't those azaleas smell lovely"... UGH.. wish I was kidding
so I to wrap up.. I love soup, napping, home gardening, and have arthritis.. I'm pretty sure I'll be sleeping alone tonight.. and potentially for the rest of my life. thank you ... goodnight.
ugh
G.Y.M
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