Warning. This is NOT directed at all new mothers... I have a couple of friends/family who aren't like this.. I love them and this blog is in no way directed at them... but... those few strangers that bug the shit out of me.
For an out of work writer getting out of the house to get some work done is vital. I know.. I'm a walking fucking cliche.. but I like to work in the mornings.. usually over some coffee.. and yes.. at a bullshit cafe... Like every other wanna-be-writer-dickhead. It's lame.. but I get the most work done when I'm out.. and bars don't open t'ill eleven. so. eat it.
Anyway... This installment is directed at those unbelievably annoying "new mothers" that walk into these cafes while I'm working... They LOVE going on outings with other new mothers so their 3 month old babies can "socialize"... I've heard them say this.. "It's good for them to meet other babies"... Your child can't tell the difference between their own shit and other babies at three months.. but.. good for them for wanting a "social life"... (this fact might be wrong.. I'm not a doctor.. but go with it)
They always stroll into the cafe the same way. Talking to each other at a SCREAMING level so everyone can see how GREAT they are for being mothers. "HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT US.. WE MADE BABIES! WE'RE LIKE THE FIRST PEOPLE EVER TO DO THIS!! AND WE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT BABY SHIT!!! LISTEN TO US!!!"
And this is the mentality I KNOW they have.. They always talk about the same shit.. They regurgitate their extensive baby knowledge from the dozens of annoying baby books they've read, not to but AT each other.. Constantly trying to one up each other in the most passive aggressive way possible. Mom #1 "Oh.. I know.. but you really need to use all the new BPA free nipple drainers.. my nipples only ever touch organic.. so I know my baby's getting an organic nipple connection".. Mom#2 "of course your right. but you've read My baby Does Yoga And So Do I, right? You'll see that by feeding your baby while in Downward dog you reduce the risk of ADHD by 30%"..
This conversation is a little exaggerated.. but let me tell you. NOT BY MUCH!! These women are so fucking annoying and LOUD .. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with their super-long-lactating-nipples then have to hear why their "husbands aren't pulling their weight around the house when they get home from work... sure they have high stress jobs.. but they should want to process all the super expensive organic vegetables I bought online into home made baby food... I LOVE doing that.. why don't they?"
Kids are great.. love kids.. love laughing at how weird they are and stuff.. super cute.. but you uber annoying new mothers with your mundane lives and screechy high voices have to take it down a notch while in public... no one else wants to hear about your boring baby shit besides the other annoying mother you came in with.. but in actuality the other mother only wants to hear herself talk too.. So save us all the pain and suffering.. Record yourself talking in your kitchen. Play it back to yourself and have a passive aggressive argument alone in your own home... thanks.
Ugh,
G.Y.M.
