Look me in the eyes...

So... we all do it... We've all tried it... we all take the chance...

The "walk by smile"...

We see something cute in the distance.. We contemplate the "hey".. or "hello".. but usually we just squeeze out a half smile.. with no teeth.. just a lip curl...

Nine times out of ten we get the smile back... at least a semi-eye-squint.. Every once and a while you get lucky with the "continued eye contact to full smile"... but... sometimes you just get the "complete-look-away" avoidance technique... I don't judge this.. I understand if you're cute you can't just give those smiles out willy nilly... I guess...

If you're anything like me you get awkward half way through your smile.. look away and think about how you have a severe social disease...
OR...
Maybe you're of that "small group" that can parley this "little interaction" into a conversation.. if you are... good for you... I hate you..

Anyway.. here's what happened to me recently...

I see something cute, petite, and brunette in the distance.. I'm feeling good about myself... I have an extremely rare, endorphin generated, boost of confidence and I decide I might even go for the "full-eye-contact-smile to hello/hey".... i think to myself.. "be bold just do it... what do you have to lose?"

So I do.. we're getting closer.. I go for the full eye contact and start the smile.. half way through my smile.. she gives me a HUGE eye roll..

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I didn't corner this chick and say "hey.. I like your tits.. wanna bone?"... all I did was smile.. an innocent.. non creepy smile.... I wasn't starey... I wasn't "gross".. I was cute and personable.. so... WHAT THE FUCK!?

I mean.. maybe it's just me.. but I ALWAYS give the smile/head nod back.. even if it's some gross middle aged, fat, gay man with three teeth... if he smiles.. makes the attempt.. or eye contact.. I'll always give it back.. why not?

When did the "smile as you walk by" become worthy of a HUGE eye roll?

Fuck you, man.. that's some bullshit..

I thought for a second.. "nah.. maybe it wasn't to me.. maybe I was imagining it"... so I ask my friend if he'd try it out on the same girl... we're in the mall.. I say "if we see her.. do the "walk by smile" and see what she does"... He agrees..

Two minutes later.. there she is.. cute-petite-brunette is approaching.. I make sure she can't see me and hide behind a bunch of clothes.. there's no way she knows we're together... He approaches and gives her the same "walk by smile"... and... the bitch rolls her eyes AGAIN!. WHY!?!

Even if we were gross.. which I don't think we are.. COME ON!... Two eye rolls? fucking lame..

let this be a lesson to all you cute girls out there.. if you really don't feel like giving the smile back.. just look away.. don't roll the eyes... It really kills a guys confidence... and to "cute-petite-brunette"... You've given me even more reason to hate the general public... and I thank you... you stuck up bitch...

UGH
G.Y.M.

Quarter life and Clooney

So... I don't want to say I've "lived it.. I know it.. I've figured it all out"... because that's ridiculous... I've never had a three way.. so obviously there's more to learn, right?

What I wanna talk about is where I'm at now.. What life is for me these days... and what I think it might be for me in the future.. I've been the hopeless romantic... Falling for a pretty young thing... I've been "blinded by the light.. revved up like a douche another boner in the night" or whatever... but I think my tune has changed over the years. I'm not saying I won't ever find love again.. or I'll be alone forever... That's just absurd... but I am saying.. it's basically where I'm going to end up. By myself.. maybe like Clooney, with a pig, living off the coast of Italy... (please god)...but alone none the less...

Listen.. I'm sure I'll have plenty of friends in my life.. I'm sure I'll have a few more love affairs.. but I doubt any will last longer then a year or two... I'm not trying to sound completely hopeless or depressed.. I'm just being realistic... and I'm feeling alright about it.

I like to watch people.. Watch relationships.. How are people surviving their bullshit lives while spending them with another person? denial.. alcohol... fighting.. and stress..

Now that's fine... Stay with your partner... work it out.. make it last.. good years.. bad years.. and all that shit.. but all I can say is.. it's not for me... I don't want to compromise anything in my life.. and this doesn't fly with people..

Specifically the women in my life.. They've wanted me to conform in the past... maybe not at first... Maybe at first they love "who I am" or "how I am"... Crazy, weird, and sarcastic.. but eventually that changes.. This is why I say I'm sure I'll have a few more love affairs.. I'll get into something that seems like a great fit... We'll laugh.. talk... grow.. it'll be terribly romantic... I'll seem happy.. She'll seem happy.. and then.......

She'll get annoyed... She'll stop thinking I'm funny.. She'll get embarrassed at some social event... Her friend's will hate me.. and she'll start to resent my life style..

in turn....

I'll get annoyed.. I'll get BORED... I'll realize I've never thought she was funny... and I'll always hate her lame ass friends... Especially her closest ones... Badda bing badda boom it's over..

It's just the way it goes for me, I'm afraid..

"She" is not out there.. because "She" doesn't exist... It'll seem at first that "She's" come back into my life.. but after a few good months... "She" will just end up being "Her" again.. and then "I'm" out...

Now listen.. I'm saying all of this with a clear head... Haven't started on the brown liquor yet... It's just the way I think my life works... and I really am fine with it...

Granted life can, and will surprise you.... All I'm saying is...

I doubt it...

ugh,

G.Y.M.

Why do you sit so close to me at a movie theater?

I purposely go to the movies during the afternoon in the middle of the week so I don't have to deal with people.. I HATE people. Having to sit with a bunch of strangers in a dark room.. where they feel comfortable enough to laugh, cry or have any other annoying human reaction to something on the screen while sitting WAY to close to me.. is my HELL... But I love going to movies.. For this reason I never go to movies at night or on the weekends... If there's more then 5 people in the theater with me, I'm not happy...

Every once and a while I date a girl who does the "typical" weekend bullshit things... You HAVE to go to a movie theater with her on the weekend... Or shopping or something else annoying... KILL ME NOW is all I have to say. These relationships usually don't last very long...

So.. I go to the movies in the middle of the day where I'm guaranteed to miss the crowds.. However, there is a down side to this avoidance strategy.. Although there are fewer people.. The ones that show are FUCKING AWFUL.. Either lonely single middle aged woman desperate for something to do so they still feel like part of society... The "Grey Hairs".. Most likely two old bitches going for their weekly movie date.... (Gladice and Gurtrude are out to gab and do so through the ENTIRE MOVIE.) And then of course there's the fatties that hide in the dark while they eat their GIANT popcorn, massive diet coke, disgusting nachos, and some kind of cina-bon artery clogging sugar shit...

I don't mind it half the time because there are so few of us there... BUT.. these weirdos have a tendency to sit right behind or in front of me in an EMPTY theater.. WHAT THE FUCK.. Why would you want to sit that close to someone to begin with let alone in an empty theater?

Talking, eating, and just breathing too loud is enough to make me snap... I've taken to sitting at the back of the theater these days... Praying these assholes are too fat or old to climb the steps to get anywhere near me.. but still you'll get that one moron who doesn't recognize the fact that I want to put my fucking feet on the seat in front of me and they should NOT SIT THERE!!!

I've waited out the opening weekend of this movie... ignored the fact that tickets are WAY too expensive.. and I've wasted a perfectly beautiful sunny day outside to sit in a cold dark theater... ALONE... I've earned my 8 seat radius of NO FREAKS...

Don't sit so god damn close, dick head! Why are you ruining my life?

UGH,

G.Y.M.

I hate 95% of you... it's a fact.

I'm sitting in a restaurant/cafe (or whatever) listening to the atypical morons of the world. Already ordered and I can't escape. There will come a time where your ipod dies, or whoever you're sitting with makes a trip to the bathroom. There you are stuck listening to a conversation about bicycles, poker, sushi or in my case, a theater group presenting a musical about less then common Shakespearean plays. WHAT THE FUCK!?!

Here's a little tidbit of what I'm being subjected to.

Dink-head#1 "It's going to be called " The book is dead. Long live the book". It'll be a musical"
Dink-head#2 " Oh, how interesting"
Dink-head#1 "Yeah. I mean not your typical Shakespeare stuff... you know? You won't be hearing any Hamlet.. (annoying laugh) or anything like that?"
Dink-head#2 "Wow, it sounds great."
Dink-head#1 "When we decided "no Hamlet " we all started doing the monologue. You know? The famous monologue To Be or Not to Be... All at the same time... It was really funny"..

Me "NO IT WASN'T, IDIOT!!! THERE WAS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT!!! NOTHING! NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!" then my head exploded. (that last part may or may not have happened)

Great. Ok fine. I know... like what you're going to like... don't be so judgmental.. Live and let live.. right... blah blah blah.. but it just confirms my suspicions.

Every once in a blue moon I'll start to feel like I'm being too harsh. I'm really not giving people the benefit of the doubt or I think everyone has something to offer... everyone is equal... then this kind of shit smacks me in the face and I wake up...

Take these two for instance. I would rather get hit square in the sac by a golf ball then have to talk to these two tards for more then 30 seconds.

Sitting there across from each other with there weird over grown mutton-chops and man-pony tails... I hate them. I don't know them but I know deep down... I hate them. This might seem wrong to a lot of you but it just feels so right to me.

95% of the population I can't deal with on a daily basis and 98% (as discussed by Jerry around season 5) are UN-DATABLE... It's a proven fact.. at least in my life it is.

I think this might have finally become a problem for me. It's a social disease. I have severe trouble carrying on any form of small talk without resorting to full sarcasm. It takes me about 20 to 30 seconds before I can't stand talking to you. From there it's all about enjoying my time so I start to mock you. It's subtle at first but spend too much time with me and I just become full out mean.

It's really nothing against you. It's just that I'm bored and you suck. I'm sure you're a very nice person. I'm sure you do really good things for needy people.. but here's the thing.. I don't care. Unless you start to make me laugh or throw the sarcasm right back at me... I'll eventually get bored and move on. If you do throw it back... I'm in heaven.

I'm pretty sure therapy would be a good start but who has the time or money? I know I'd hate my therapist and end up mocking him too.

The only solution for me now is to leave this restaurant and hope I never run into these two dink-heads ever again. If by some far off chance someone somehow figures out a way to get me and these two in a room together... where by I'm forced to have a conversation with either of them for more then 30 seconds... get your golf clubs ready cause I'm taking a Titleist to the gonads to get out of it... Try me.

UGH
G.Y.M.

DJ = DUMBASS-JOB

Alright.. I know a lot of you people are going to have a problem with this entry.. but it has to be said... and I'm a dick who doesn't really care what you think.

I'm so fucking sick of this obsession with DJs... What is it? Why is everyone in love with the latest douche bag DJ with a "kooky" DJ name? Like DJ-Pajamas, DJ-pickle-breath, DJ-SUCK MY WEEN!! ugh...

Ok.. DJs... I get why they exist... We need music.. They provide a bar/party with fun shit to dance to.. great... well done... BUT .. HOW HARD IS THAT!? I can push play on my ipod just like the next idiot... "Oh, what's that you say? You want the music to be mixed up?" well thank god my Ipod has a fucking SHUFFLE FUNCTION!!! I can spend my afternoon putting together a "kick ass" playlist too.. but maybe I shouldn't since.. I'm not a professional DJ... I might get in trouble.

YEAH YEAH.. there's more to it.. I've heard your bullshit argument before.. LAME!!! is my only response.

Right.. ok.. people remix songs.. I can see the talent needed for this.. I can see that this takes a certain "musicality".. or "ear" if you will... Also knowing how to run the programs to layer sounds.. Slowing a track down, adding some wicked-ass-beats.. or whatever the fuck.. but DJing does NOT take talent... This is why I don't understand the obsession...

"OH.. We NEED to go spend twenty bucks to get into some crap bar because DJ- skilttly-dick-weed is SPINNING!!!!"

FUCK YOU!!!! WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!

Again.. I'm not negating that this job should exist.. People want to listen to the latest dick head remix of some gay GaGa song... or hear some random old Pharcyde that they haven't heard for years...(I know I do) But why idolize these idiots?

I know, I know.. Some of you people reading this thing are "DJs"... but you're most likely also "musicians" or have other shit going on in your life... You DJ cause it's good money and fat old bar owners are willing to pay you WAY too much to do it.. Good on ya.. keep rollin' with it..

I'm strictly talking about the "professional" DJs of the world.. The ones that tour around the country playing crap bars with retardedly expensive covers..

The only reason they score these gigs is because they constantly badger everybody on facebook and twitter with "EVENTS" or "GROUPS"... Saying "DJ- dic-lic-dip-stic is playing the Bovine Bar.. Sick old skool Hip-Hop... Come dance your skinny jeans off.. featuring DJ titt-burger"

and then a bunch of 22 year old scenesters spread that shit .. "OH!? DJ-titt-burger is going to be there?" " Yeah.. I know, right? I'm TOTES wearing my deepest V!!!"

MORONS!!!!!!

Here's the lesson everyone.. Just because some dick head makes up an annoying DJ name.. plays some great old school hip-hop that everybody remembers from junior high and can generate interest from a bunch of 22 year old scenesters doesn't MEAN SHIT!!!!!

Stop idolizing these dick-heads... it's pathetic.. just start drinking too much and becoming overly cranky and critical... like me...

It's way more fun..

UGH

G.Y.M.

So your full sleeve tattoo isn't cool anymore? WHOOPS!

I'm really looking forward to this day... Over the past 5 or so years the douche bags of the world have been going a little over board when it comes to tattooing their bodies... Covering every inch like they're a side show freak from a 1930's carnival.. oh.. You better stretch your earlobes out too.. cause then.. and only then will you be "too cool for school".. are you really that starved for attention or were you actually asked to join some African tribe where giant disgusting earlobes is a rite of passage for a young man?

I'm all for some cool tatts.. I think their great.. but come on.. Every asshole on the street these days has a fucking full sleeve.. Why? Do you really think when you're 60 you're going to be into your weird japanese dragon eating a phrase from your favorite obscure book?... Some quote that you think no one else has read.. because you're sooooo fucking original... you're so original that you only dress the way everyone else is dressing... cause god forbid you don't fit in? Oh, wait.. that's the oposite of originality.. idiot.

These god damn morrons with the neck tattoos? You're 23 and have an internship at some graphic design company and you're sooo fucking street that you need a NECK TATT? what the fuck? Unless you've done a stint at Rikers or you've shot someone in Compton.. DON'T GET A NECK TATTOO!!!!!

Alright I'm not here to tell people what to do... but really.. come on.. Full sleeves, neck tatts, huge earlobes.... ugh... I'm really not sayin' "Hey hippy, cut that hair".. but it's not even the minority anymore.. It's every asshole with an arts degree.. It's every dick head who's ever been to CBGB's... It's every douche bag who move's to a "big city" and immediatly believes " OH.. I BELONG HERE"... well let me be the first to say... no you don't.... HA...

My goal for the day.. walk up to the first dick head wearing a fedora, tight black jeans, who has a neck tatt and huge earlobes.. punch them square in the throat and scream.. YOU'RE FATHER NEVER LOVED YOU!!!" I guess then we'll see who's "street".. asshole

ugh,

G.Y.M.

Ways my life would be easier if I didn't like vaginas...

SO.

I'm convinced my mom wanted a gay son.. There are three of us.. and I'm the youngest (slash best looking.. HOLA).. So.. she pops out three boys... OF COURSE she wants the last one to be gay.. who else is she going to shop with, cook with and talk about The View with.? While all my buddies played hockey, mom dropped me into dance classes.. unbeknownst to her I was more interested in the fact that I was surrounded by girls in tights then freezing my ass of with my buddies on the hockey field.. (they play it on a field, right?) Anyway... Being gay as a male dancer seems like it would have just been the easier route... All the teasing and taunting would have made sense if I actually was gay.. but unfortunately for my mom, it didn't take.

Gays 1 - Vaginas 0

Relationships... I'm pretty well versed in the world of gay monogamy.. A lot of my closest friend's love the cock.. I would never negate the fact that romantic relationships; gay, straight or other wise are difficult... But.. for me.. (just me) having to deal with the oposite sex seems to be a little more confusing... I think the gays have it a little easier in this case... Granted they get the short stick on plenty of other things.. but that's not what we're talking about here.. so fuck off..

Things they have going for them in a relationship: They double the wardrobe, they're very familiar with the "equipment" down below (you're never going to get a bad blowjob) and most importantly they don't have to deal with WOMEN! the crazy shit when it's comes to women.. the pasive-aggresive-fuck-with-you-even-though-we're-broken-up-shit.. that drives every straight man crazy at some point in their life. The only women the gays have to deal with are their fat fag hags that don't shut up about why they "can't find a man".. but then spend all their time fawning over their gay counterparts rather then hitting the gym and putting down the cookie dough. The gays can just ignore or ditch these women cause they aren't trying to sleep with them...

Gays 2 - Vaginas 0

I've witnessed first hand the "hook up"... A gay guy can literally smile at another guy.. This guy will cross a crowded bar to see "what's up?".. One guy will go.. "Hey.. you wanna go do it?" The other guy will say "yeah"... and then they go and DO IT.. this does NOT happen in the straight world... it takes FAR more work.. and usually it's not worth the money, time, and effort you put into it. Lucky gays...

Gays 3 - Vaginas 0

Now I know a lot of you are thinking.. wow. .this guy is a closet case and should just get out there and start chuggin' ween.. but it's not something I'm interested in.. I've been given every opportunity in my life to switch teams but like it says at the beggining of this blog. I like vaginas.. I suppose liking vaginas is the cross I'll have to bear.. (too religious? ) So.. even though the Gays have it 3 to 0 over vaginas.. Vaginas still win.. you know why? cause they're wonderful...

It's just too bad they're somtimes wrapped in boring and sprinkled with crazy...

ugh,
G.Y.M.