Thursday, March 27, 2014

Women giving advice to women

I’m back to say stupid shit.. Most likely some of you are going to be offended. Let me start by saying... I don’t care...  And away we go.

Women giving advice to women.

I feel like when women give advice to each other it’s always in the most condescending and competitive way possible. (told you... relax)

They have to belittle whoever they’re trying to “help” rather than just throw them some "over the counter, semi-useful, mostly useless" advice. (like men do).

I think it’s a power thing women have.  “Oh. You acknowledge I might know more about something than you do? ok cool. Let me make you feel like a complete idiot while standing on your throat” (not exaggerated)

FOR EXAMPLE: The business advice scenario.

Woman-A: works in a field that woman-B is trying to break-in to. Now, woman-A has known woman-B for years. In fact they went to college together. For whatever reason woman-A got a lucky break two years ago while woman-B took a couple years to “find herself” by traveling around the world (mostly in Thailand where she got lice once, food poisoning three times, and herpes for life)

It’s now come the time for woman-B to take the bull by the horns and break-in to the “business” her and woman-A studied so hard for. Start her career. Make something of her life.

Here comes that phone call woman-B has been dreading to make and woman-A has been excited to get.

Woman-B cold calls woman-A knowing full well that woman-A was jealous of her in college (‘cause she had bigger tits).

But in the “woman world” they ALL pretend to be friends. No matter what. (this is a scientifically proven fact ladies. Don’t try to fight science)

So woman-B calls asking for “career advice”. Rather than woman-A just giving her some pointers or contacts, she puts her through the fucking ringer of clichés and hyperboles.

Woman-A:

“Hey girl!?! I’m so glad you called. I can totally give you some pointers. Alright this is what you do. First: EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED. You’re gonna have to get ready ‘cause things are going to get CRAZY. You think I’m exaggerating (she is) but I’m SOO not. (she definitely is)”

This is where woman-B just has to bite her tongue knowing full well woman-A is full of shit... but she still wants those contacts.

Woman-A continues this dance “ Second! be ready to hit the ground running. You’re gonna want to get on everyone’s radar because they... Right now.... Have no idea who you are. Like none!”

Woman-A has yet to give woman-B any useful information as she continues.

“And finally… You’re gonna hate this.. but.  You’re gonna have to start at the bottom. I mean... I didn’t 'cause I got lucky but usually you do. You're gonna be like, way down on the food chain. Like below the bottom. Interning for an intern, kind of bottom. It’s just the nature of the beast, Girl! I know it suuuucks, right? Just the way it is. I'll try and talk to some people (won't) I wish there was more I could do to help. (doesn't)"

This is where the conversation usually comes to a close where woman-B feels defeated and bitter and woman-A feels powerful and that she's done something kind for another "strong independent woman". (When deep down she's just happy she's winning)

HOWEVER…

In this scenario woman-B is actually playing a little game of her own. (this happens more often than you think)  She’s about to pull the classic lady-bait-and-switch. The “slow-con-girl-fuck-you" that only women know how to do.

This is where woman-B drops the bomb...

You see woman-B doesn’t actually want woman-A’s help or advice. She’s only calling to rub some shit in woman-A’s face.

Woman-B is about to let woman-A know that Mr. Joe Important just offered her an intermediate position at a competing company because woman-B knows his wife. (They met at Modo Yoga and got a juice together after an amazing Moksha class. They are "SOOO alike”. )

Mrs. Joe Important knows woman-B is "going places”. So at this point in the conversation where woman-A feels she has full control woman-B decides to put her back in her place (you know 'cause they’re friends)

This is how it might sound.

 “Oh cool that's so sweet… Thank you SO much for your advice but I was really calling about something else. I was wondering if you know Mr. Joe Important? (of course she does) “You see I was just offered an intermediate position at his company and——

 (BABABA-BOOOOOM!!!)”

All that woman-A hears at this point is a ringing in her ears as if she’s been hit with a stun grenade. Suddenly woman-A has tunnel vision and cold sweats.

Woman-B continues “… so I just wanted to call and see if you had any pointers for like “first day on the job”... Mistakes you might have made, you know? But mainly wanted to see how you were doing. Sounds like you’re doing pretty good. We should TOTALLY get coffee. But not this month. I’m going to be soo busy. Not that I’m complaining. The money is AMAZING!”

Woman-A shakes off the attack... She needs to play her cards right here 'cause she knows she might need woman-B in the future.

Woman-A (through gritted teeth) “Yeah girl. I mean. Just be yourself, ya know? I didn't make too many mistakes but learned what not to do pretty quick. I know you're gonna do great (hope she fails miserably) I’m so happy for you. I would LOVE to catch up when you have time. I’m actually insanely busy right now too (mostly taking baths and perfecting her instagram feed). Maybe we could take a class at MODO together on a lunch break or something. I love that place.”

KISS-KISS BYE-BYE. (ugh. bitch)

This kind of cut throat hatred through perfect smiles is something women have perfected over the years that men have no idea how to do or have any business trying to attempt.

It’s a thing where neither wants the other to succeed but desperately wants the other to think they’re nice... or at least tell other people they think they’re nice/pretty/smart/successful/skinny.

Again. I’m an asshole.. and will die alone. Women terrify me but I’m in love with every single one of them at the same time.

LOVE

G.Y.M.

sorry