Been a while.. once again.. whatever.
This one's for you, mom.
As much as the name of this blog is "Grumpy YOUNG Man".. time goes on and faces look older. Perhaps it's my lack of restraint when it comes to legal poisons. Poisons I choose to batter my ever aging body with on a daily basis.. or perhaps it's just Father-time fucking me in the ass.. regardless.. I's gettin' oldah! Irregardless (as my mother would say).. time marches on as I struggle to hit some of the more commonly hit goals that most men of my years hit. Mainly, and most poignantly to this blog, not being in a long term relationship. Not being anywhere near "getting married" or "having kids".
I've notice that "people getting married" and "people having kids" comes in waves. All of a sudden every single person you've ever met and or are friends with is either getting married or shitting a baby out. As much as this is true so is the opposite. (meaning divorce and, I guess, peeps kicking the bucket)
Right now the wave is on the marriage bullshit. It's cool... I'm actually really excited for a couple close friends and fam getting hitched in the upcoming year. Nothing against THEM doing it.. but everything against my mother thinking I should be doing the same thing.
I suppose this blog stems from a single conversation.. NAY a single sentence from my mother the other day... She said.. straight faced and honest.. "Son, you're not getting any younger".. Now this cliche line has been heard for years in terrible rom/com's but traditionally it's primarily directed at WOMEN!!!! I've always heard... (mostly from women) It's soooo much better for men when it comes to getting older... You just get better looking... blahblah... salt and pepper.. blahblah.. George Clooney..... So then WHY is my mother telling me the clock is ticking and time is RUNNIN' out.
I rely on the kindness of friends to tell me otherwise.. I just assume they lie... so that's a waste of time. I can only accept the cards that have been dealt for me.. and try to enjoy my inevitable spinster future.. (minus the cats.. I hate cats)
But my mother.. being who she is.. (love ya mom) a bit of a fiery bitch (in all the best ways) is persistent in telling me I don't have much longer... Unless I meet a mate and procreate .. my little lame life has been wasted and she's failed as a mother. I get the "You're not getting any younger" line every week or so now... It's getting a little annoying.
I've come up with a solution.. and tell me if you think this is the right choice.. Next time I speak with Mama.. I only say three words... " I am gay".. if you've read other posts of mine you know there's no truth to that statement... but I guess if you know me you might still question this considering my dating record and the company I keep... (ir)regardless I love the vaginas and always will.. but those three words might set me free from the incessant badgering from Mom... I think she might be thrilled... She lives far enough away that I can keep that lie up.... and if by some miracle I meet a woman I can stand for more then thirty minutes... all the better.. otherwise.. Mom will finally have a daughter and I won't have to deal with the weekly reminder that maybe (well... most likely) I'm going to die alone..
UGH..
G.Y.M.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
MOTHER F#@*%ER..
Warning. This is NOT directed at all new mothers... I have a couple of friends/family who aren't like this.. I love them and this blog is in no way directed at them... but... those few strangers that bug the shit out of me.
For an out of work writer getting out of the house to get some work done is vital. I know.. I'm a walking fucking cliche.. but I like to work in the mornings.. usually over some coffee.. and yes.. at a bullshit cafe... Like every other wanna-be-writer-dickhead. It's lame.. but I get the most work done when I'm out.. and bars don't open t'ill eleven. so. eat it.
Anyway... This installment is directed at those unbelievably annoying "new mothers" that walk into these cafes while I'm working... They LOVE going on outings with other new mothers so their 3 month old babies can "socialize"... I've heard them say this.. "It's good for them to meet other babies"... Your child can't tell the difference between their own shit and other babies at three months.. but.. good for them for wanting a "social life"... (this fact might be wrong.. I'm not a doctor.. but go with it)
They always stroll into the cafe the same way. Talking to each other at a SCREAMING level so everyone can see how GREAT they are for being mothers. "HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT US.. WE MADE BABIES! WE'RE LIKE THE FIRST PEOPLE EVER TO DO THIS!! AND WE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT BABY SHIT!!! LISTEN TO US!!!"
And this is the mentality I KNOW they have.. They always talk about the same shit.. They regurgitate their extensive baby knowledge from the dozens of annoying baby books they've read, not to but AT each other.. Constantly trying to one up each other in the most passive aggressive way possible. Mom #1 "Oh.. I know.. but you really need to use all the new BPA free nipple drainers.. my nipples only ever touch organic.. so I know my baby's getting an organic nipple connection".. Mom#2 "of course your right. but you've read My baby Does Yoga And So Do I, right? You'll see that by feeding your baby while in Downward dog you reduce the risk of ADHD by 30%"..
This conversation is a little exaggerated.. but let me tell you. NOT BY MUCH!! These women are so fucking annoying and LOUD .. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with their super-long-lactating-nipples then have to hear why their "husbands aren't pulling their weight around the house when they get home from work... sure they have high stress jobs.. but they should want to process all the super expensive organic vegetables I bought online into home made baby food... I LOVE doing that.. why don't they?"
Kids are great.. love kids.. love laughing at how weird they are and stuff.. super cute.. but you uber annoying new mothers with your mundane lives and screechy high voices have to take it down a notch while in public... no one else wants to hear about your boring baby shit besides the other annoying mother you came in with.. but in actuality the other mother only wants to hear herself talk too.. So save us all the pain and suffering.. Record yourself talking in your kitchen. Play it back to yourself and have a passive aggressive argument alone in your own home... thanks.
Ugh,
G.Y.M.
For an out of work writer getting out of the house to get some work done is vital. I know.. I'm a walking fucking cliche.. but I like to work in the mornings.. usually over some coffee.. and yes.. at a bullshit cafe... Like every other wanna-be-writer-dickhead. It's lame.. but I get the most work done when I'm out.. and bars don't open t'ill eleven. so. eat it.
Anyway... This installment is directed at those unbelievably annoying "new mothers" that walk into these cafes while I'm working... They LOVE going on outings with other new mothers so their 3 month old babies can "socialize"... I've heard them say this.. "It's good for them to meet other babies"... Your child can't tell the difference between their own shit and other babies at three months.. but.. good for them for wanting a "social life"... (this fact might be wrong.. I'm not a doctor.. but go with it)
They always stroll into the cafe the same way. Talking to each other at a SCREAMING level so everyone can see how GREAT they are for being mothers. "HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT US.. WE MADE BABIES! WE'RE LIKE THE FIRST PEOPLE EVER TO DO THIS!! AND WE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT BABY SHIT!!! LISTEN TO US!!!"
And this is the mentality I KNOW they have.. They always talk about the same shit.. They regurgitate their extensive baby knowledge from the dozens of annoying baby books they've read, not to but AT each other.. Constantly trying to one up each other in the most passive aggressive way possible. Mom #1 "Oh.. I know.. but you really need to use all the new BPA free nipple drainers.. my nipples only ever touch organic.. so I know my baby's getting an organic nipple connection".. Mom#2 "of course your right. but you've read My baby Does Yoga And So Do I, right? You'll see that by feeding your baby while in Downward dog you reduce the risk of ADHD by 30%"..
This conversation is a little exaggerated.. but let me tell you. NOT BY MUCH!! These women are so fucking annoying and LOUD .. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with their super-long-lactating-nipples then have to hear why their "husbands aren't pulling their weight around the house when they get home from work... sure they have high stress jobs.. but they should want to process all the super expensive organic vegetables I bought online into home made baby food... I LOVE doing that.. why don't they?"
Kids are great.. love kids.. love laughing at how weird they are and stuff.. super cute.. but you uber annoying new mothers with your mundane lives and screechy high voices have to take it down a notch while in public... no one else wants to hear about your boring baby shit besides the other annoying mother you came in with.. but in actuality the other mother only wants to hear herself talk too.. So save us all the pain and suffering.. Record yourself talking in your kitchen. Play it back to yourself and have a passive aggressive argument alone in your own home... thanks.
Ugh,
G.Y.M.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)