Sunday, July 12, 2009

Why do you sit so close to me at a movie theater?

I purposely go to the movies during the afternoon in the middle of the week so I don't have to deal with people.. I HATE people. Having to sit with a bunch of strangers in a dark room.. where they feel comfortable enough to laugh, cry or have any other annoying human reaction to something on the screen while sitting WAY to close to me.. is my HELL... But I love going to movies.. For this reason I never go to movies at night or on the weekends... If there's more then 5 people in the theater with me, I'm not happy...

Every once and a while I date a girl who does the "typical" weekend bullshit things... You HAVE to go to a movie theater with her on the weekend... Or shopping or something else annoying... KILL ME NOW is all I have to say. These relationships usually don't last very long...

So.. I go to the movies in the middle of the day where I'm guaranteed to miss the crowds.. However, there is a down side to this avoidance strategy.. Although there are fewer people.. The ones that show are FUCKING AWFUL.. Either lonely single middle aged woman desperate for something to do so they still feel like part of society... The "Grey Hairs".. Most likely two old bitches going for their weekly movie date.... (Gladice and Gurtrude are out to gab and do so through the ENTIRE MOVIE.) And then of course there's the fatties that hide in the dark while they eat their GIANT popcorn, massive diet coke, disgusting nachos, and some kind of cina-bon artery clogging sugar shit...

I don't mind it half the time because there are so few of us there... BUT.. these weirdos have a tendency to sit right behind or in front of me in an EMPTY theater.. WHAT THE FUCK.. Why would you want to sit that close to someone to begin with let alone in an empty theater?

Talking, eating, and just breathing too loud is enough to make me snap... I've taken to sitting at the back of the theater these days... Praying these assholes are too fat or old to climb the steps to get anywhere near me.. but still you'll get that one moron who doesn't recognize the fact that I want to put my fucking feet on the seat in front of me and they should NOT SIT THERE!!!

I've waited out the opening weekend of this movie... ignored the fact that tickets are WAY too expensive.. and I've wasted a perfectly beautiful sunny day outside to sit in a cold dark theater... ALONE... I've earned my 8 seat radius of NO FREAKS...

Don't sit so god damn close, dick head! Why are you ruining my life?

UGH,

G.Y.M.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I hate 95% of you... it's a fact.

I'm sitting in a restaurant/cafe (or whatever) listening to the atypical morons of the world. Already ordered and I can't escape. There will come a time where your ipod dies, or whoever you're sitting with makes a trip to the bathroom. There you are stuck listening to a conversation about bicycles, poker, sushi or in my case, a theater group presenting a musical about less then common Shakespearean plays. WHAT THE FUCK!?!

Here's a little tidbit of what I'm being subjected to.

Dink-head#1 "It's going to be called " The book is dead. Long live the book". It'll be a musical"
Dink-head#2 " Oh, how interesting"
Dink-head#1 "Yeah. I mean not your typical Shakespeare stuff... you know? You won't be hearing any Hamlet.. (annoying laugh) or anything like that?"
Dink-head#2 "Wow, it sounds great."
Dink-head#1 "When we decided "no Hamlet " we all started doing the monologue. You know? The famous monologue To Be or Not to Be... All at the same time... It was really funny"..

Me "NO IT WASN'T, IDIOT!!! THERE WAS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT THAT!!! NOTHING! NOTHING! FUCKING NOTHING!!!!!" then my head exploded. (that last part may or may not have happened)

Great. Ok fine. I know... like what you're going to like... don't be so judgmental.. Live and let live.. right... blah blah blah.. but it just confirms my suspicions.

Every once in a blue moon I'll start to feel like I'm being too harsh. I'm really not giving people the benefit of the doubt or I think everyone has something to offer... everyone is equal... then this kind of shit smacks me in the face and I wake up...

Take these two for instance. I would rather get hit square in the sac by a golf ball then have to talk to these two tards for more then 30 seconds.

Sitting there across from each other with there weird over grown mutton-chops and man-pony tails... I hate them. I don't know them but I know deep down... I hate them. This might seem wrong to a lot of you but it just feels so right to me.

95% of the population I can't deal with on a daily basis and 98% (as discussed by Jerry around season 5) are UN-DATABLE... It's a proven fact.. at least in my life it is.

I think this might have finally become a problem for me. It's a social disease. I have severe trouble carrying on any form of small talk without resorting to full sarcasm. It takes me about 20 to 30 seconds before I can't stand talking to you. From there it's all about enjoying my time so I start to mock you. It's subtle at first but spend too much time with me and I just become full out mean.

It's really nothing against you. It's just that I'm bored and you suck. I'm sure you're a very nice person. I'm sure you do really good things for needy people.. but here's the thing.. I don't care. Unless you start to make me laugh or throw the sarcasm right back at me... I'll eventually get bored and move on. If you do throw it back... I'm in heaven.

I'm pretty sure therapy would be a good start but who has the time or money? I know I'd hate my therapist and end up mocking him too.

The only solution for me now is to leave this restaurant and hope I never run into these two dink-heads ever again. If by some far off chance someone somehow figures out a way to get me and these two in a room together... where by I'm forced to have a conversation with either of them for more then 30 seconds... get your golf clubs ready cause I'm taking a Titleist to the gonads to get out of it... Try me.

UGH
G.Y.M.