Thursday, March 25, 2010

Warning.. I'm a dick

My Seinfeld-esque issues with women have taken a terrible turn for the worse as of late.

Here's a couple example's of why I'll most likely be alone... also why I'm kind of a dick.

I have a real problem with being completely uninterested in people in about 30 seconds. Rarely do I take the time to stick around and find out who this person "Really Is"... I'm too busy analyzing why their teeth to gum ratio is like 70/30%... I know that sounds really shallow.. but someone who wants to be in a relationship with a person who A)loves to laugh and B) finds ME hilarious... can't be with someone who has gigantic gums. It's distracting. (I know I'm a dick... and far from perfect ) Trust me.. my dickness does not end at esthetics. Observe..

I was recently out for dinner with some friends at a restaurant where we knew one of the waitresses. A good friend... She gets off early and decides to sit down and chat with us while we eat.. as we're talking I slowly turn the conversation towards "Are their any cute single waitresses here that enjoy sarcastic assholes?" .. She goes "Oh yeah.. my friend Megan.. I'll get her to come over.." Me.. "great"

So my friend waves Megan over and I see her walking towards our table.. SUPER cute brunette... My friend goes on to tell me that she's involved with a douch-bag bartender and needs to get out of it.. Me "I will do my best"..

Megan saddles up to our table and introduces her self. As soon as she starts talking.. I'm out. She has one of those obnoxious "S" sibilances... She could be the coolest, sweetest, cutest woman I've ever met.. but I can't deal (again.. I'm an ass)... She turned out to be really sweet.. but I still couldn't deal. For the purposes of this blog let me write what I heard when she spoke.. "Hi guyssssss I'm Megan. What'sssss Up.. Hey Sssserge. It'ssssss Sssssoo Nicsssssse to meet you"... What.. Is she speaking parcel-tongue ( Harry Potter reference.... whatever) It's like nails on a chalk board to me.. I have a real problem hiding my disinterest when something like this happens.. Something I believe I inherited from my mother. Thanks mom..

Example two..

I meet this cute girl at the YMCA (I know) while I'm playing basketball. She actually comes up to me and asks if she can play... This NEVER HAPPENS... So we start shooting around.. having fun.... not really talking much... I think.. "Huh. This is a first..".

I start asking some questions chatting a little... She seems fairly normal.... until she starts talking about what she does. "I'm a jazz singer.." me "cool." her.. "yeah.. but I also am into holistic healing.. I have a clinic at my house.." me "um.. oh.. ok..".. Her "Yeah.. but what I love the most is my... Afro Dancing... I perform all the time.. it's so much fun." and....

Three two one.. I'M OUT!

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT SHE DOES.... but

This is where MY mind goes.. She says Jazz singer.. I think.. Huh.. I could have a whiskey while I listen to some terrible jazz... Might be kinda hot.. I'm sure I could get through that.. and who knows.. maybe she's alright..

THEN she says "Holistic healing"..I think.. hmmm.. well.. I guess I could deal... it's just something she does.. and who knows.. maybe she has access to some great pot or something..

And then she says "Afro dancing"..

And i think.. Oh FUCK NO.. instantly I picture myself sitting in some community club basement for 3 hours wanting to kill myself as I have to feign interest in her ridiculous dance routine.. THERE'S NO WAY!!!

I stop playing basketball, pretend I have an appointment and bail.. She's left in the gym shooting around... alone...

I mean.. I could have went out with her.. and found out more... Got a little drunk and bit my tongue.. but I know it would have just gotten worse... So why waste our time? Why pretend to be interested?...

I'll tell ya why.. So you're not home alone watching HBO on demand on the weekend... cause you can't deal with a person who uses the word "legitimately" too much..

UGH.
G.Y.M.

1 comment:

  1. Oh dear. Good post. But...oh dear. I hear you. Have you seen Greenberg yet? I def have my moments, man. Best line is last line. Good

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