MOTHER F#@*%ER..

Warning. This is NOT directed at all new mothers... I have a couple of friends/family who aren't like this.. I love them and this blog is in no way directed at them... but... those few strangers that bug the shit out of me.

For an out of work writer getting out of the house to get some work done is vital. I know.. I'm a walking fucking cliche.. but I like to work in the mornings.. usually over some coffee.. and yes.. at a bullshit cafe... Like every other wanna-be-writer-dickhead. It's lame.. but I get the most work done when I'm out.. and bars don't open t'ill eleven. so. eat it.

Anyway... This installment is directed at those unbelievably annoying "new mothers" that walk into these cafes while I'm working... They LOVE going on outings with other new mothers so their 3 month old babies can "socialize"... I've heard them say this.. "It's good for them to meet other babies"... Your child can't tell the difference between their own shit and other babies at three months.. but.. good for them for wanting a "social life"... (this fact might be wrong.. I'm not a doctor.. but go with it)

They always stroll into the cafe the same way. Talking to each other at a SCREAMING level so everyone can see how GREAT they are for being mothers. "HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT US.. WE MADE BABIES! WE'RE LIKE THE FIRST PEOPLE EVER TO DO THIS!! AND WE KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT BABY SHIT!!! LISTEN TO US!!!"

And this is the mentality I KNOW they have.. They always talk about the same shit.. They regurgitate their extensive baby knowledge from the dozens of annoying baby books they've read, not to but AT each other.. Constantly trying to one up each other in the most passive aggressive way possible. Mom #1 "Oh.. I know.. but you really need to use all the new BPA free nipple drainers.. my nipples only ever touch organic.. so I know my baby's getting an organic nipple connection".. Mom#2 "of course your right. but you've read My baby Does Yoga And So Do I, right? You'll see that by feeding your baby while in Downward dog you reduce the risk of ADHD by 30%"..

This conversation is a little exaggerated.. but let me tell you. NOT BY MUCH!! These women are so fucking annoying and LOUD .. I'd rather gouge my eyes out with their super-long-lactating-nipples then have to hear why their "husbands aren't pulling their weight around the house when they get home from work... sure they have high stress jobs.. but they should want to process all the super expensive organic vegetables I bought online into home made baby food... I LOVE doing that.. why don't they?"

Kids are great.. love kids.. love laughing at how weird they are and stuff.. super cute.. but you uber annoying new mothers with your mundane lives and screechy high voices have to take it down a notch while in public... no one else wants to hear about your boring baby shit besides the other annoying mother you came in with.. but in actuality the other mother only wants to hear herself talk too.. So save us all the pain and suffering.. Record yourself talking in your kitchen. Play it back to yourself and have a passive aggressive argument alone in your own home... thanks.

Ugh,
G.Y.M.

You boring people

So.. Haven't written a blog in a while.. it's not for lack of hatred towards the general public.. That's still there in full force.. It's strictly because of boredom... I'm really fucking BORED!!!

I'm not really bored with my life.. I have a great life.. If I actually believed in anything holy.. I'd say I lead a blessed life... The boredom is primarily from my surroundings and the lame people that inhabit them. This city is really fucking boring..

"You need to get out.. do stuff.. meet people!!!" That is POINTLESS!

This city I live in (for the time being) is plagued by this weird sense of entitlement/conservativeness... It's in it's people.

I know every city has assholes.. People too busy searching for something reflective to check themselves out in at a bar then look you in the eyes while you're talking to them... but Toronto has something especially lame going on...

Not only are people "too cool".. but they have NO OPINION.. they have no ambition.. They have no balls.

I have yet to meet a real "loud mouth prick"...willing to say the wrong thing in a crowded room for a reaction.. If someone would actually take a chance at being a little "hated"... Then there'd be something entertaining about this boring fucking town..

NO.. everyone is too busy making sure they look and sound exactly like everyone else... Oh.. I know there's a hipster somewhere reading this in his extra large baggy muscle shirt, parachute pants and an 80's bike messenger hat thinking to himself.. "Thank god I'm different and interesting".. but YOU sir are part of the problem..

Well that and ... the lack of competition in this city.. No one is willing to stand on someone's neck to get ahead here... like our wonderful neighbours to the south.. I know that might sound like a slam to the Yanks.. but it's not.. I LOVE the States for this mentality... It's exciting.

People take chances/risks in the States on everything.. not only in business.. but socially.. They're sometimes loud and obnoxious but always opinionated... This creates a greater chance for them to actually be interesting.. and well.. FUCKING FUN.

Just once I'd like to go out here and meet someone who says something sooo offensive (in the name of humour) that I'm taken off guard and actually shocked... JUST ONCE..

Until then I'll just be bored.. well... until my next visit to the US.

G.Y.M.

Warning.. I'm a dick

My Seinfeld-esque issues with women have taken a terrible turn for the worse as of late.

Here's a couple example's of why I'll most likely be alone... also why I'm kind of a dick.

I have a real problem with being completely uninterested in people in about 30 seconds. Rarely do I take the time to stick around and find out who this person "Really Is"... I'm too busy analyzing why their teeth to gum ratio is like 70/30%... I know that sounds really shallow.. but someone who wants to be in a relationship with a person who A)loves to laugh and B) finds ME hilarious... can't be with someone who has gigantic gums. It's distracting. (I know I'm a dick... and far from perfect ) Trust me.. my dickness does not end at esthetics. Observe..

I was recently out for dinner with some friends at a restaurant where we knew one of the waitresses. A good friend... She gets off early and decides to sit down and chat with us while we eat.. as we're talking I slowly turn the conversation towards "Are their any cute single waitresses here that enjoy sarcastic assholes?" .. She goes "Oh yeah.. my friend Megan.. I'll get her to come over.." Me.. "great"

So my friend waves Megan over and I see her walking towards our table.. SUPER cute brunette... My friend goes on to tell me that she's involved with a douch-bag bartender and needs to get out of it.. Me "I will do my best"..

Megan saddles up to our table and introduces her self. As soon as she starts talking.. I'm out. She has one of those obnoxious "S" sibilances... She could be the coolest, sweetest, cutest woman I've ever met.. but I can't deal (again.. I'm an ass)... She turned out to be really sweet.. but I still couldn't deal. For the purposes of this blog let me write what I heard when she spoke.. "Hi guyssssss I'm Megan. What'sssss Up.. Hey Sssserge. It'ssssss Sssssoo Nicsssssse to meet you"... What.. Is she speaking parcel-tongue ( Harry Potter reference.... whatever) It's like nails on a chalk board to me.. I have a real problem hiding my disinterest when something like this happens.. Something I believe I inherited from my mother. Thanks mom..

Example two..

I meet this cute girl at the YMCA (I know) while I'm playing basketball. She actually comes up to me and asks if she can play... This NEVER HAPPENS... So we start shooting around.. having fun.... not really talking much... I think.. "Huh. This is a first..".

I start asking some questions chatting a little... She seems fairly normal.... until she starts talking about what she does. "I'm a jazz singer.." me "cool." her.. "yeah.. but I also am into holistic healing.. I have a clinic at my house.." me "um.. oh.. ok..".. Her "Yeah.. but what I love the most is my... Afro Dancing... I perform all the time.. it's so much fun." and....

Three two one.. I'M OUT!

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHAT SHE DOES.... but

This is where MY mind goes.. She says Jazz singer.. I think.. Huh.. I could have a whiskey while I listen to some terrible jazz... Might be kinda hot.. I'm sure I could get through that.. and who knows.. maybe she's alright..

THEN she says "Holistic healing"..I think.. hmmm.. well.. I guess I could deal... it's just something she does.. and who knows.. maybe she has access to some great pot or something..

And then she says "Afro dancing"..

And i think.. Oh FUCK NO.. instantly I picture myself sitting in some community club basement for 3 hours wanting to kill myself as I have to feign interest in her ridiculous dance routine.. THERE'S NO WAY!!!

I stop playing basketball, pretend I have an appointment and bail.. She's left in the gym shooting around... alone...

I mean.. I could have went out with her.. and found out more... Got a little drunk and bit my tongue.. but I know it would have just gotten worse... So why waste our time? Why pretend to be interested?...

I'll tell ya why.. So you're not home alone watching HBO on demand on the weekend... cause you can't deal with a person who uses the word "legitimately" too much..

UGH.
G.Y.M.

Hermit-the-Serge

I know everyone gets a little depressed during the winter months.. It's cold.. it's grey.. it's boring.. But I think I might have taken it to a new level. I'm pretty sure the Universe has decide that I should be a hermit... I make the attempts to go out.. to get away.. to make a break from the everyday monotony that is my life.. but the universe says.. "Umm.. Hey Serge!.. FUCK YOU.. get back in your room and watch more HBO on demand".

Here.
Small example.. and then big example.

Last night I decide I'll actually make the effort and get out of the house... Me and buddy are going to meet up, have some drinks and potentially try and meet some new people.. (FIRST MISTAKE).. ain't no place to meet people in this annoying city.. I've basically been to every bar in the city... I can't stand pretentious music snobs.. so.. live music/hipster bars are out.. I can't stand club music, retarded sluts who don't want to pay for a $2 coat check so they wait in their mini-skirts and high-heels in freezing temperatures, or suburban douche bags.. so clubs and large bars are out...

The only bars I can bear, are the ones that are filled alcoholic depressed loners like me.. and THAT ain't the best place to meet people.. so.. the night is, OF COURSE, a bust.. I should have just stayed in and watched the Die Hard marathon like I was planning to... but instead I play a couple rounds of foozeball and call it a night.

Then today I wake up and think... "fuck it.. i'm gonna get out of this house and run errands.. walk around.. maybe write... try and be part of society... You can meet people during the day, right?" I take two steps out my front door.. and the universe pisses on me.. literally.. It starts to piss rain.. Someone is saying.. "Serge.. get back in your house and stew, you dick head".. so I did... I am.. I continue to stew.

Example Two..
(granted example one does really sound like my own issues.. but I don't care)

I plan a trip with a really good friend of mine to go to Mexico.. She's in LA.. I'm in Toronto.. We're going to meet in Mexico and drink our faces off by the Ocean.. The trip is planned.. The resort is booked.. The flights are on time.. 8 hours until I get out of this frozen waste land known as Canada... Start enjoying sunshine again... It's a much needed getaway for both of us and we CAN'T WAIT..

So.. I decide I'm going to get a couple extra bucks for the cab in the morning... Just incase.. As I'm punching in the code to my dwindling bank account.. a thought pops in my head.. "Is your passport expired?".. No.. it can't be.. I'm always on top of shit like that.. I had my suit case packed a week in advance... I double wrap all my shampoo and other liquids to prevent "suitcase-explosion-mess". I'm an anal-retentive geek, and I NEVER forget shit like this... but did I?

I take off running home to see If my suspicions are correct.. 8 blocks I sprint in my winter coat... get home only to find my passport expired 10 days ago.. It's friday... the passport office is closed.. the emergency 24 hour fix is impossible until Monday.. My friend is flying out of LA a couple hours before I leave... so to take the chance of trying to get across the border with an expired passport and somehow make it to Mexico.. is a BAD idea.. she'd be stuck in Mexico alone (which is retrospect, if I was her... I would have said "FUCK YOU SERGE. I'M GOING".. but she's a much nicer person than I...)

So with 7.5 hours to go until we would have started our wondrous Mexican Adventure.. We had to cancel.. Once again I'm stuck in Toronto.. frozen.. bored.. and annoyed..

So... if the Universe wants me to be a hermit.. then I guess I should just listen...

Ugh.

G.Y.M.

I want some free shit.. NOW!!!

It's like the cell phone or cable companies are some weird date that's into S&M.. Someone you need to slap around a little before they give you what you want... Smack my ass.. SMACK IT!

Why do you have to debate with these people if you "deserve a deal or not"?.. and why do these people sometimes give it to you if you know how to complain enough?.. Or if you scream loud enough?.. or you get some random dude in Pakistan that thinks you're funny for asking how to say cock and balls in Pakistani.

I don't understand when all of this started.. Don't get me wrong. I love a good barter. I love convincing tiny Chinese ladies that they should give me the knock off sunglasses for five bucks rather than eight.. makes me happy in my heart.

but why is this the case with huge cable companies? I actually kinda hate (surprise face) the people that brag about the deals they get..

"I totally scored a bunch of free movie channels.. and got the golf channel free for six months... I just kept complaining until they made it happen, bro"..

I say.. Fuck you dude.. I'm sure some Jewish business man in New York got a WAY better deal than you...

I get mad at myself because I start to get jealous about this douche bags deal. "Why did he get the extra six months of HBO for five dollars less then I got it for? Why did they like him more?"

I start to feel neglected... I immediately feel the need to call the company and whine and scream until I get the same sweet sweet goodness that this idiot got... I'm better than him, aren't I?

I want something better.. something more... I need them to LOVE ME MORE... I know what they want to hear..

Alright.. listen.. I want HBO on demand FREE for six months.. FUCK YOU.. don't tell me you can't make that happen, I know you can.. Alright fine.. if your computer says you can't then put me on with someone who has a computer that says you can... Alright fuck you then.. I'm taking my business to another company.. I heard Bell Canada has cheaper internet.. OH.. what's that you say? You CAN give me something for free... That's what I thought.. SO DO IT.. and thank me for my business... do it bitch.. THANK ME.. that's right.. you like it rough.. DON'T YOU... take it... take it bitch.. that's right sweetheart.. say you like it... MOOHAHAHA I win.. I WIN.. I FUCKING WIN!!!!!

oh wait... I am the asshole who tells people about the great deal they got... fuck me.

ugh,

G.Y.M.

Look me in the eyes...

So... we all do it... We've all tried it... we all take the chance...

The "walk by smile"...

We see something cute in the distance.. We contemplate the "hey".. or "hello".. but usually we just squeeze out a half smile.. with no teeth.. just a lip curl...

Nine times out of ten we get the smile back... at least a semi-eye-squint.. Every once and a while you get lucky with the "continued eye contact to full smile"... but... sometimes you just get the "complete-look-away" avoidance technique... I don't judge this.. I understand if you're cute you can't just give those smiles out willy nilly... I guess...

If you're anything like me you get awkward half way through your smile.. look away and think about how you have a severe social disease...
OR...
Maybe you're of that "small group" that can parley this "little interaction" into a conversation.. if you are... good for you... I hate you..

Anyway.. here's what happened to me recently...

I see something cute, petite, and brunette in the distance.. I'm feeling good about myself... I have an extremely rare, endorphin generated, boost of confidence and I decide I might even go for the "full-eye-contact-smile to hello/hey".... i think to myself.. "be bold just do it... what do you have to lose?"

So I do.. we're getting closer.. I go for the full eye contact and start the smile.. half way through my smile.. she gives me a HUGE eye roll..

WHAT THE FUCK?!?

I didn't corner this chick and say "hey.. I like your tits.. wanna bone?"... all I did was smile.. an innocent.. non creepy smile.... I wasn't starey... I wasn't "gross".. I was cute and personable.. so... WHAT THE FUCK!?

I mean.. maybe it's just me.. but I ALWAYS give the smile/head nod back.. even if it's some gross middle aged, fat, gay man with three teeth... if he smiles.. makes the attempt.. or eye contact.. I'll always give it back.. why not?

When did the "smile as you walk by" become worthy of a HUGE eye roll?

Fuck you, man.. that's some bullshit..

I thought for a second.. "nah.. maybe it wasn't to me.. maybe I was imagining it"... so I ask my friend if he'd try it out on the same girl... we're in the mall.. I say "if we see her.. do the "walk by smile" and see what she does"... He agrees..

Two minutes later.. there she is.. cute-petite-brunette is approaching.. I make sure she can't see me and hide behind a bunch of clothes.. there's no way she knows we're together... He approaches and gives her the same "walk by smile"... and... the bitch rolls her eyes AGAIN!. WHY!?!

Even if we were gross.. which I don't think we are.. COME ON!... Two eye rolls? fucking lame..

let this be a lesson to all you cute girls out there.. if you really don't feel like giving the smile back.. just look away.. don't roll the eyes... It really kills a guys confidence... and to "cute-petite-brunette"... You've given me even more reason to hate the general public... and I thank you... you stuck up bitch...

UGH
G.Y.M.

Quarter life and Clooney

So... I don't want to say I've "lived it.. I know it.. I've figured it all out"... because that's ridiculous... I've never had a three way.. so obviously there's more to learn, right?

What I wanna talk about is where I'm at now.. What life is for me these days... and what I think it might be for me in the future.. I've been the hopeless romantic... Falling for a pretty young thing... I've been "blinded by the light.. revved up like a douche another boner in the night" or whatever... but I think my tune has changed over the years. I'm not saying I won't ever find love again.. or I'll be alone forever... That's just absurd... but I am saying.. it's basically where I'm going to end up. By myself.. maybe like Clooney, with a pig, living off the coast of Italy... (please god)...but alone none the less...

Listen.. I'm sure I'll have plenty of friends in my life.. I'm sure I'll have a few more love affairs.. but I doubt any will last longer then a year or two... I'm not trying to sound completely hopeless or depressed.. I'm just being realistic... and I'm feeling alright about it.

I like to watch people.. Watch relationships.. How are people surviving their bullshit lives while spending them with another person? denial.. alcohol... fighting.. and stress..

Now that's fine... Stay with your partner... work it out.. make it last.. good years.. bad years.. and all that shit.. but all I can say is.. it's not for me... I don't want to compromise anything in my life.. and this doesn't fly with people..

Specifically the women in my life.. They've wanted me to conform in the past... maybe not at first... Maybe at first they love "who I am" or "how I am"... Crazy, weird, and sarcastic.. but eventually that changes.. This is why I say I'm sure I'll have a few more love affairs.. I'll get into something that seems like a great fit... We'll laugh.. talk... grow.. it'll be terribly romantic... I'll seem happy.. She'll seem happy.. and then.......

She'll get annoyed... She'll stop thinking I'm funny.. She'll get embarrassed at some social event... Her friend's will hate me.. and she'll start to resent my life style..

in turn....

I'll get annoyed.. I'll get BORED... I'll realize I've never thought she was funny... and I'll always hate her lame ass friends... Especially her closest ones... Badda bing badda boom it's over..

It's just the way it goes for me, I'm afraid..

"She" is not out there.. because "She" doesn't exist... It'll seem at first that "She's" come back into my life.. but after a few good months... "She" will just end up being "Her" again.. and then "I'm" out...

Now listen.. I'm saying all of this with a clear head... Haven't started on the brown liquor yet... It's just the way I think my life works... and I really am fine with it...

Granted life can, and will surprise you.... All I'm saying is...

I doubt it...

ugh,

G.Y.M.